Two weeks ago today, I lost my job.  I knew in my heart I would be fine, but my head kept screaming "PANIC PANIC PANIC"  I've mostly been able to live with what my heart was telling me.  Today, I got a job.  For the first time in over 30 years I won't be working in the medical field, but, with everything I've learned in the last year, I find that exciting.

Something very special happened yesterday.  When I went up to receive communion, the pastor laid hands on me and prayed that I would find a job.  I felt so at peace afterwards.  I've never had a priest/pastor lay hands on me before.  This church is so amazingly filled with the Holy Spirit.  His presence is palpable anywhere you go on the grounds and in the people that attend.

I will have a 22 mile drive, which initially was discouraging.  As I was driving home from the interview I realized that this would be a special time for prayer.  The road I will be driving is absolutely beautiful.  It's not big money, but it's enough that I can keep tithing, buying mostly organic and get the supplements I need.  I KNEW the Lord wouldn't have brought me this far and dropped me.

I just want to say thank you God and I praise you Lord!

For the first time in my life, I can truly say I'm happy and content.  I am through the ups and downs of withdrawal from psychotropic medications and I'm riding high on a new personal relationship with Jesus.  Everyday I am more and more able to give Him my problems and NOT worry.  I am also aware of Jesus and the Holy Spirit at work in my life as I never have been before.  I want to shout it from the mountaintops.  I am filled with joy.

I am noticing things about myself that I like and this is amazing.  I respect all life more than ever.  I've always been very pro life and loved animals, but now I even acknowledge that God made bugs too and let them live.  Mowing my lawn, a spider walked in front of me, a big ugly spider.  I'm terrified of spiders (or was) but I figured he lived out in my lawn, so I let him pass instead of stomping on him or mowing over him.  A wasp landed on my arm while I was picking chard (I have 15 containers of vegetables growing).  I didn't move and I wasn't frightened.  It flew off without stinging me.  I try to leave as much clover as I can unmowed because I'm seeing a lot of honeybees and bumble bees in the blossoms now.  I know this may all sound silly to some of you reading this, but I think it's profound for the changes it shows.

My hot Irish/Italian temper is vanishing.  When something happens, I'm able to stay cool and instead of wishing dastardly things on the person I start praying blessings on them.  This particularly applies to the staff of the mobile home park I live in.  Their sole purpose in life seems to be harrassing me.  It's working....oh, they still harrass me, but it rolls off now.  I no longer hate my home, the park etc.  I am content.  I am happy.  Praise the Lord, I can really say I am happy!

I have been going through a class called Alpha at church.  It is a course in basic Christianity.  Initially, I was resistant to going...I mean, I'm NOT a new Christian, yet the Lord kept telling me I needed to go.  So, after missing the first 2 classes, I was obedient and went.  I'm really enjoying the course.   The lessons are very applicable to daily life and scripturally based.  I've learned a lot and I've had to think and pray a lot.  There is a young man in my Alpha small group who asks some very deep, provocative questions which I think is great.

We went on an overnight "Holy Spirit Weekend" April 18th and 19th.  I went expecting something, not sure what.  Nothing earth shaking happened, but I did leave filled with peace.  I trust that He will reveal Himself when the time is right.  I am glad I went, definitely no regrets and feel very blessed by it.

I believe my emotional healing is complete or nearly so.  My moods are very very stable, don't get angry so easily and I don't over react to every situation.  Patience is another virtue I'm developing.  I'm also learning not to be so quick to spout off about something but to either let it go, or give time for the emotions to leave before I discuss it. 

I am now working close to 30 hours a week.   It is hard, but I'm managing.  I also see signs of continued healing.  My hip, which has been replaced but needs (needed) revision is more stable and less painful.  I understand that God is healing me from the inside out and I'm fine with that.  He keeps telling me "in HIS time".  I'm also studying a book called The Healing Oils of the Bible which is giving me deeper understanding about healing.  

I have done something I've never even considered before.  I planted a container garden of vegetables.  Every day I am in awe of what's growing.  A friend suggested I pray a blessing on my garden and God is blessing it for sure.  I feel almost like a new mom, lol.  Speaking of my container garden, I've mentioned living in a mobile home park.  I am no longer embarrassed about living in a mobile home and am now quite content here.  "Things" have become pretty meaningless now.  I am where God wants me to be at this point in time and I'm happy to be here.  I haven't written much lately because of working, but I want everyone to know that the Lord continues to bless me abundantly and my healing continues.

I just returned from the most amazing experience of my life.  I went to a Women's Retreat on the beach.  The Lord provided us with glorious weather.  I had never been to a retreat, so I had no idea what to expect.  I was scared but hopeful.  I KNEW I wanted something more but didn't know what.  Here is a short version of what happened to me this weekend.

Before reading this you need to go to:

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/flltextenglish.html

And read/listen to this letter from God.

I haven't written here in a while, but I'm growing in the Lord and in my faith daily.  This week, the facilitor of my small group Bible study called and said that she (God actually) felt I needed to lead the group this week.  Initially, I resisted out of fear.  I feel like such a baby and have so little real Biblical knowledge compared to the others, but she is a hard person to say no to and no way could I tell God no, so I agreed.

I must have read the passage 100 times over the week and last night, I finally started writing things down.  It was amazing how much more I got out of studying the Bible to share with others vs just reading the passage before the group meets.  I also found that there was a  personal lesson for me...maybe one that wouldn't have clicked if I had not been asked to do this.

My small group leader has a prop phone she uses a lot.  It is very large and made of a gray foam block.  Everytime I read Scripture now, I picture that phone and what it means: LISTEN!  Last night I really listened.  The passage was John4:46-54.  After working a 5 step study plan by Anne Graham Lotz, I received my message and I was listening.  I've experienced tremendous healing in a short time, but I still have a long way to go.  I believe others get healed, I believe what's happened to me, but I've been yearning to see an instantaneous healing happen not necessarily to me, but to someone I know personally.  I wanted to SEE.  Just like Jesus said in the passage: You people won't believe without signs and wonders.  I realized I am one of "you people", that I had a little bit of doubting Thomas in me.

I got the word BELIEVE and realized that now I want to see a miracle up close and personal but I no longer NEED to and there's a world of difference.  If I hadn't spent a week reading and praying about that passage, would I have heard the message that was there for me?

My physical healing has been stalled for months now.  Am I a bit discouraged?  Yes, but at the same time, I'm at peace with it all.  I know I'm on the right path.  God is using my pain and other problems to keep me close to Him.  He brought me to a point where I was well enough to actively seek a place where He is alive and well and I found that place.  I am happy there and for the first time in 30 years I'm excited about my faith.  I've never had doubts, always really tried to live like a Christian, but this is different.  Never before have I been so aware of his presence.  I get  angry at another driver and instead of blowing my horn or thinking angry thoughts, I actually think of Jesus first.  WWJD may be trite to some people, but it's really become one of my first thoughts.

My anger and bitterness has melted away like an icecube in the summer sun and I feel a joy and peace inside of me now that I never knew could be experienced.  Am I trying to say I never get angry, never lean on the horn?  Of course not...but if I do, shortly thereafter, I say a prayer, asking forgiveness for me and blessings on whomever my anger was toward.  I just have to remember that everything is in His time.  5 months to me may be 5 seconds to God and that helps me stay strong.

The closer I get to Jesus, the more Satan acts up.  I'm learning to recognize him and when I don't, invariably, one of my new friends in Christ, either at church or online, is able to tell me its him and I can rebuke him.  Jesus really did give us a LOT of power over satan...we just have to use it.

 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,  out of the mud and mire;  he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.   Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

 4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. ^[a]

 5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.  The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

 6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,  but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

 7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come is written about me in the scroll. 

 8 I desire to do your will, O my God;  your law is within my heart."

 9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

 11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.

 12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

 13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;  O LORD, come quickly to help me.

 14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

 15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

 16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"

 17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.   You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

What a day this has been.  I went to my Bible study today and one of the members got this Psalm as a message for me.  If I was as gifted as David, I could have written this psalm about what has happened to me since my desperate prayer last April.  The Lord my God is so amazing. 

At the Bible study we continue to learn of the healings Jesus performed in the Gospel.  The leader talked today of thinking about putting what we are learning into practice, in other words going out in the world and healing.  I talked about my fear, the fact that I am so new to all this.  I mentioned that how could I approach a stranger when I'm losing friends with my newfound zeal for the power of Jesus.?  Well, their reaction to that was rather startling.  They laughed.  The laugh was one of "been there, done that" and they pointed out that wasn't I making new friends?  And that is so true.  It's funny, I have no problem talking on the internet or in the Bible study or even in choir about what's been happening in my life, but the thought of talking to a stranger?  Well, I just need to pray about it and LISTEN and obey.  I'm excited about the things the leader was talking about though and the material she wants to start teaching.

On another note, my new boss talked to me today and asked if I had a desire to go full time soon.  She had initially said 8 or 9 months if I worked out.  Now she's talking about full time in March.  I'm excited.  I told her I'd really like to try, that I'm not sure if I can physically do it but she said she's willing to work with me to figure out how to help me do it.  So...I sowed one little seed in faith and as promised it is being returned more than I could have ever imagined.  One thing I know...Jesus Loves Me! (and you too!!!)

This Christmas season has been hard for me spiritually.  The only time I felt the "Christ" in Christmas was during the Lessons and Carols service at my church (Bible readings followed by relevent carols and other songs).  I am so fed up with all the commercialism. 

I wish I had the courage to announce to family and friends that I will no longer celebrate Christmas.  If I didn't have small grandchildren, that is exactly what I'd do.  I love my oldest daughter with all my heart, but she doesn't believe in Jesus as the savior and her husband states he is an atheist, so why should I buy presents for their kids who have had almost no opportunity to learn about Jesus?  I used to take the oldest one to church with me when I could, but I no longer live near them.  I always send religious cards, but they are probably meaningless to the boys.   I do pray for her and her family constantly and she is searching.  Next year I want to find something more meaningful to do to get my point across.  I know the kids expect gifts, but maybe I can make a donation to something in their name.  At least I have a whole year to think about it :) 

This year, I've really had to start wondering about Christmas and Easter.  I have a very close friend who believes that it is wrong to celebrate these as not only are they NOT Biblical but especially because they are "replacements" of pagan feasts.  I understood and respected where she is coming from, but hadn't really agreed.  Yesterday I had the thought that the Biblical Jewish feasts have not been corrupted into crass commercialism as have Christmas and Easter, so maybe that indicates these celebrations are not what Jesus wants.  I'm so confused.

I just know that to me, Christmas and Easter have always held a special place in my heart because of Jesus.  With Him gone from these celebrations there is emptiness and sadness in my heart instead of joy.  I looked around at decorations around town and as I traveled.  I'll bet maybe 1 in 300 or more houses had a creche.  I am so sick of Santa and reindeer and snowmen.  These definitely indicate a winter pagan feast more than a Christian HOLYday.  Why aren't other Christians protesting?  If we are truly 80% of the population in this country, how have we let "political correctness" corrupt our beliefs and naively go along with it?  I am immensely frustrated.  I do little things like say "Merry CHRISTmas" (saying the word Christ) to cashiers etc.  I try to avoid stores that have gone to Happy Holidays, but that's almost impossible.  I do ALL my Christmas shopping online because the crowds and materialism sicken me and I have done this for about 9 years now.  I was totally angry in that I had to go to a Christian book store to find the true story of Christmas for my almost 2 year old grandson.  That's outrageous!!! I'm just one person, why isn't there a huge outpouring of protest from Christians?

On a happier note, I did have the opportunity to meet up with most of my family for Christmas.  We all met at my brother's house in Dothan.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I hadn't seen my oldest daughter and her family or my other brother for 2 years.  My youngest daughter, her husband and the 2 babies came with me.  That was one marvelous part about Christmas, getting to be with loved ones.  I miss my family so much.

If I had ever had any doubts about the wisdom of eliminating all sugar and refined foods from my diet, this little trip proved how right it is.  Although I didn't go insane and eat nothing but garbage, I did have bread, a little candy, potatoes, stuffing etc.  Within 24 hours, I had morphed into the wicked witch of the west.  I am ashamed of the way I treated my daughter.  We are extremely opposite, I am punctual, she has never been on time in her life.  I know this about her and had calmed down a lot about it BUT on this trip, I was continually blowing up.  I KNEW she would never be ready on time, I should have been the one to bend, not expect her to.  I've apologized to her and her hubby over and over, but I still feel terrible about it.  I immediately went back on my regime upon returning, but I still feel sluggish and my pain is out of control.  I am 100% totally convinced that sugar is a poison.  Next time I go somewhere else to eat, I will not be afraid to say I can't eat something.  I will go hungry or provide for myself.  The problem is, I don't know if I have the will power to do so.  It's easy in my own home, I just don't buy it so temptation isn't there.  Put a dish of stuffing in front of me (which is probably my favorite food ever) can I really push it away?  Only with God's help.

If anyone reading this has any ideas about a better way to celebrate Christmas, I'd really appreciate hearing them.

Happy New Year!!!

Well, I got the job and I've already worked a couple of days.  It turns out she had hired somebody but this person didn't show up.  I am so excited to be "working" again.  It is the perfect fit for me right now and there is opportunity to advance if I am able and want to.  I also found out my boss is very interested in alternative health.  I got some strange looks bringing home-made sauerkraut for lunch and Kombucha tea (fermented tea).  Lacto-fermented foods are one of the things I attribute to getting rid of all my GI problems from reflux to severe constipation.  They asked me a few questions on Thursday.  I'm a little afraid of sharing too much, but they asked so I shared both about my prayer that started all this and exactly what I'm doing.

I'm also growing spiritually so much.  It's funny how I've called myself a Christian for as far back as I can remember, but I feel like I know nothing when I'm around the people in my new church and talk to some of my online friends.  The healing miracles Bible study/small group I attend has spent the last 2 weeks learning about the gifts of the Holy Spirit and figuring out which ones we have.  I now have ideas where I'm strong, but I don't really know how to apply this to a "ministry"...but I will have an opportunity to meet with the person who gave the class and go from there.  The life and opportunities here are just so amazing.

I hate South Carolina, yet I'm beginning to accept that maybe, just maybe, I'm right where God wants me at this time.  One of the hardest lessons I'm learning is to "let go and let God".  I've always been a doer, a problem solver, action action action.  It's hard to pray, to make a need known to the Lord and then wait for Him to handle it.  I'm learning to not be so bull-headed but I sure have long way to go with that.

I was getting very discouraged with the weight loss and thinking about "fasting" and other drastic measures, but God spoke to me and told me to just keep on.  He's giving me a time out to concentrate on Him and after rapid, dramatic weight loss, give my body time to reach an equilibrium.  I'm actually beginning to believe I can be happy.