I haven't written here in a while, but I'm growing in the Lord and in my faith daily.  This week, the facilitor of my small group Bible study called and said that she (God actually) felt I needed to lead the group this week.  Initially, I resisted out of fear.  I feel like such a baby and have so little real Biblical knowledge compared to the others, but she is a hard person to say no to and no way could I tell God no, so I agreed.

I must have read the passage 100 times over the week and last night, I finally started writing things down.  It was amazing how much more I got out of studying the Bible to share with others vs just reading the passage before the group meets.  I also found that there was a  personal lesson for me...maybe one that wouldn't have clicked if I had not been asked to do this.

My small group leader has a prop phone she uses a lot.  It is very large and made of a gray foam block.  Everytime I read Scripture now, I picture that phone and what it means: LISTEN!  Last night I really listened.  The passage was John4:46-54.  After working a 5 step study plan by Anne Graham Lotz, I received my message and I was listening.  I've experienced tremendous healing in a short time, but I still have a long way to go.  I believe others get healed, I believe what's happened to me, but I've been yearning to see an instantaneous healing happen not necessarily to me, but to someone I know personally.  I wanted to SEE.  Just like Jesus said in the passage: You people won't believe without signs and wonders.  I realized I am one of "you people", that I had a little bit of doubting Thomas in me.

I got the word BELIEVE and realized that now I want to see a miracle up close and personal but I no longer NEED to and there's a world of difference.  If I hadn't spent a week reading and praying about that passage, would I have heard the message that was there for me?

My physical healing has been stalled for months now.  Am I a bit discouraged?  Yes, but at the same time, I'm at peace with it all.  I know I'm on the right path.  God is using my pain and other problems to keep me close to Him.  He brought me to a point where I was well enough to actively seek a place where He is alive and well and I found that place.  I am happy there and for the first time in 30 years I'm excited about my faith.  I've never had doubts, always really tried to live like a Christian, but this is different.  Never before have I been so aware of his presence.  I get  angry at another driver and instead of blowing my horn or thinking angry thoughts, I actually think of Jesus first.  WWJD may be trite to some people, but it's really become one of my first thoughts.

My anger and bitterness has melted away like an icecube in the summer sun and I feel a joy and peace inside of me now that I never knew could be experienced.  Am I trying to say I never get angry, never lean on the horn?  Of course not...but if I do, shortly thereafter, I say a prayer, asking forgiveness for me and blessings on whomever my anger was toward.  I just have to remember that everything is in His time.  5 months to me may be 5 seconds to God and that helps me stay strong.

The closer I get to Jesus, the more Satan acts up.  I'm learning to recognize him and when I don't, invariably, one of my new friends in Christ, either at church or online, is able to tell me its him and I can rebuke him.  Jesus really did give us a LOT of power over satan...we just have to use it.

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