Healing Journey Part 4/Spiritual Journey

By: mellowsong Mood: Reflective Date: 11/01/2007 12:55:23 Music: None

Yesterday was a really really bad day.  I feel "lighter" today.  I'm still frightened and discouraged, but don't feel hopeless.  I know some of this comes from withdrawal of meds, especially Cymbalta, after 1/2 a lifetime of being medicated.  Some of these feelings are due to detox.  I accept that.  I want instantaneous healing, but obviously God has other plans for me.  2 people came forward yesterday with encouragement.  You just don't know what your kind words meant to me and how much you helped.  Thank you.

At the same time I've been on the journey of "natural" health, what I've come to believe is truly what God wants, I've been on a spiritual journey too.  A little over 2 years ago, I took, what was for me, the unbelievable and dramatic step of leaving the Roman Catholic Church.  I didn't go far, I joined an Old Catholic church that I thought kept everything I loved about Roman Catholicism and did away with what I could no longer believe, most notably, the infallibility of the Pope.  Yes, he is only supposedly "infallible" when speaking from the throne of Peter, or ExCathedra which hasn't been invoked for about 200 years, but I could no longer believe that a man, no matter how holy could be infallible.  Nowhere in the Bible did I find Jesus telling Peter or any of the apostles and disciples that if they spoke in His name, they couldn't make a mistake.  I believe the Bible is inspired and infallible, but that nothing not directly from the Bible can meet that.  Then, a few years ago, my brother asked me what I thought about Pope John Paul calling Mary Co-redemptress with Jesus.  I was appalled, told him he had to have misunderstood.  I started checking this out and found out that the Catholic church has believed this since the 1500s.  I could not swallow that.  I also felt that John Paul was crossing the border between honoring Mary and worshipping her.  The final straw was Pope Benedict getting elected as Pope.  I already knew a little about him because of his previous position, but my research convinced me that he would take the church backwards, which has been born out recently with his encyclical stating only Roman Catholics and Orthodox can go to Heaven.  He has also stated that Vatican 2 went too far and he wants to take the church back to pre-Vatican 2.  Personally, I always felt that Vatican 2 was one of the best things that ever happened to Roman Catholicism.

Anyway, I took the step of joining this Old Catholic Church in May 2005.  For about a year, this church was so full of the Spirit.  It was wonderful and I truly felt I had found what I was looking for.  Things gradually changed.  For close to a year, it felt dead, like the Holy Spirit was gone.  It wasn't a church home anymore, it was a building, nothing else.  Things finally culminated in August when it became apparent that the priest had decided to become a traditional pre-vatican 2 church and desired to realign with the Roman Catholic church including a statement on the website that he believed in the infallability of the Pope in church matters.  This was no longer the church I thought I had joined.  Suddenly, because I was a woman, I was no longer welcome at the altar to do the readings and assist with communion.  I decided I could no longer stay there.

I am heart-broken and feel so betrayed.  For the first time in my life, I was tithing fairly regularly, when I got some extra money I gave large portions of it to that church and it turned out I was supporting a lie.  God is absent from that church.  I gave literally thousands of dollars to a fake, so yes, I'm afraid to tithe now.  It's not even the loss of the money that hurts so bad, it's the betrayal by somebody I put my trust in.  Trust and faith are a lot harder to replace than money.

I made a list of local churches and decided I would go to a different one every week until I found a new "home".  The first place I went, not one person spoke to me.  It also turned out they don't do communion every week, which to me, is the most important part of attending church.  Another place I was interested in, did the teaching over TV screens, nope, not for me.  Then I went into an Episcopal church.  The sermon grabbed me.  They were doing a series called "It's not about church, It's about Jesus".  Somebody gave a personal testimony and they even had an altar call.  WOW.  I believed in it, but had never attended a church outside the charismatic movement, where it actually occured.  So, I went back.  Each sermon was wonderful and the people were so warm and welcoming.  I feel Jesus and the Holy Spirit very much alive in St. Pauls.  After about 3 weeks, I had decided I was postponing my search and was going to attend there for now.  That same day, a lady from the choir grabbed me and asked me if I was interested in joining.  I didn't realize I had been singing loud enough for anyone to hear me, lol.  It's been over 3 years since I've sung in a choir, and I've missed it terribly, so I said sure.  I've been in the choir for 2 weeks now and these people have been so sweet to me.  I found a new spiritual home.  AMEN!!!  I feel free to worship for the first time in my life.  I've been released from legalism.