Healing Journey Part 3

By: mellowsong Mood: Sad Date: 10/31/2007 15:37:29 Music: None

I ended the last one saying it turns out the diet changes is the easy part.  In the past 6 months, I've been learning about Jesus, then Bible and the Holy Spirit in ways I never have before.  I'm trying so hard to have the "faith of a mustard seed" that things will get better, but it's so hard.  For the last several weeks, I've been going through what's apparently a "healing crisis" as my body tries to rid itsefl of accumulated toxins.   My pain is almost unbearable again, I'm getting headaches, I'm so tired it's hard to put one foot in front of the other, my stomach hurts, my joints hurt.  The worst part is that I'm feeling overwhelmingly depressed and discouraged.  Although I now know how bad medications are, part of me wants to medicate my brain again.

Money is my enemy.  I've made all these changes on faith.  All this "natural" foods costs a heck of a lot more than the cheese, peanut butter and loaf of bread that lasted me over 2 weeks.  Now, it's coming down to pay my bills or buy food and gas.  I lost everything when I got hurt.  I had to sell my house to get money to live on for the 2 years it took to get Social Security.  Work comp gave me almost nothing and Social Security took back every penny work comp did give me, thus leaving me with all my bills on less than 1/2 the income.  I didn't have disability insurance because my company contracted with AFLAC and because of my joint problems, refused to insure me.  I've tried for over 3 years now, and things are worse, not better.  I would like to try working, but nobody will give me a chance. 

I don't know what to do.  A voice keeps telling me "tithe", plant a seed...and I don't have a seed to plant.  I tithe and then what happens when the bills come?  I keep hearing God wants us to prosper...HOW?  I'm trapped.  Right now, I'm depressed, angry, bitter and most of all SCARED.  I do believe, I don't know how to believe "enough", what is enough?  I don't care that I lost material things, not even my house.  I'm just tired of the struggle to make it from one check to another.  My biggest problem is a family member helped me out, and I'm not fulfilling 100% of that agreement and that breaks my heart and I feel so horribly guilty for that.

VA paid for a wheelchair ramp to be built for me.  In a year, the ramp is falling apart, warped etc.  An independent contractor VA sent out says that it's not the way the ramp was built, it's the moisture on my lot that's destroying the ramp, therefore VA and then original contractor say tough, it's my problem.  The mobile home park says the moisture is part of living where I live and too bad, they refuse to do anything to alleviate conditions.  I have so much standing water on my lot and under my home that frogs breed but they say there's not a problem.  I can't find a lawyer to help me, I can't get any charities to call me back to help with repairs and the park tells me if I'm not happy, move.  If I had the money I'd be out of here yesterday. 

I hate my life and I hate myself.  I want to go back on all the meds, forget about eating the way God wants because the processed poison is cheaper.   I keep fighting those feelings.  Today, an overwhelming feeling of just wishing I was dead came over me, I prayed my way out of it but I'm still having a pity party for myself.  I'm praying, reading the Bible, involved at my new church, watching Christian televisio and after several months of feeling closer to Jesus than I ever have, I feel like He's pulled away.  Intellectually I know he's not, that it's something inside me but I feel so lost.  I'm so lonely, I have no real friends except people I only know over the internet.

God give me the strength to keep going, to do Your will.  Please let me know what Your will is, don't leave me lost in the wilderness of doubt and fear.